Halfway

between being here and going
back
moving on and staying

between

decision and impulse
desire and word
desire and desire

between

understanding and feeling
waiting and getting
or not
nothing
never
but waiting anyway
always waiting
and hoping
hoping
that this time
maybe anyway
maybe there will be
a moment
a move
clarity
vulnerability

enough vulnerability for
an opening
an encounter
a point of transfer
where something happens
more than just a premonition
disappointment
suppression
evasion

halfway between
what already is
and future history
the now
we are filling with
presence
questions
hugs
drinks

with truths
doubts
wishful thinking
cruel optimism

desire to
understand ourselves
others
the world
and the point where we touch
desire for
contact
intimacy
being seen
being as you are
with others
in the world
feeling alive
and not dying in your thirties
ageing
decay
death of dreams and libido
eventful life

halfway between
understanding way more than
in your twenties
but still understanding
nothing
(n-times nothing is just a deeper nothing)
except for pop songs
and your body
which is finally becoming less strange

and that you don’t always have to see yourself
if you are surrounded by others
who are doing it with you
day in day out
always beginning again
others who didn’t lie down
into their lives as in a coffin
who instead of shortcuts
are seeking paths
that would bring them where they want to be
although they mostly have
no clue
where this is
although they are always searching
falling
changing direction
knowing
that life is a fucking struggle

but that it is often also beautiful
that despite disbelief and doubt
despite disappointment
around the corner
there is also hope
hope that is
not naivety
rather urgency
to imagine the future
and us in it
to imagine that along with hope
there are other big things
around the corner too
thrill
passion
rapture
pleasure
hungry bodies
but also
broken hearts
fatigue
abyss
anxiety
cynicism
which we want less
but we know
that openness to the world
brings hurt

that feeling a lot
is halfway between
being blessed and
being fucked
between
feeling ecstatic
because something has happened
relocation
affair
trip
delivery
divorce
and wishing it
never would have
because that would be easier
(even though you never actually want that)

that life doesn’t necessary
demand you to choose between
taking care of yourself
taking care of others
presence
absence

closeness
distance
everything
nothing

that we demand that
from ourselves
and even more from each other
again, because it makes it easier
to judge
to keep peace
to reconcile
to handle life when it becomes
a burden
ennui
a habit
to shift responsibility for your
happiness
success
well-being
onto circumstances
conditions
external factors
structures which are
stifling
but which you are not trying to loosen
because that would mean
confrontation
work
the birth of thoughts
consideration
hurt
fear
uncertainty
that you want to
avoid
for all costs

to give yourself
others
permission
a chance
to stop halfway

and stay there

written by Stasa Pavlovic